Wednesday, September 13, 2006


That’s generally what people say when we tell them we’re going to Croatia. You know, like they’re stumped. After the initial bewilderment, sometimes people will nod their head, like “of course”, and leave it at that (like when you're looking at modern art and trying to play it off like you “get it”), and others, will ask, very honestly, “why Croatia?” So, why Croatia? Because it’s frickin’ gorgeous that’s why. With the Dalmatian coastline, the tangles of tiny, little off-shore islands, crystal clear blue water, Plitvice National Park, Dubrovnik, etc. I think the better question is...why not? The war is long over and tourism has become the major industry. It’s a huge destination for the Europeans (I can hear my friends back home...”Gawd, she’s becoming such Euro-trash”). Floyd and I are headed there for about 10 days. It’s our first “real” vacation since moving over here and we’re doing it all by our lonesomes. We need it big time.

You see, I’ve been a royal bitchy grump these last few days. The whole 3-year thing is seeping into my psyche like a nasty, black ooze and just wreaking havoc. I’m fuckin’, back to my infertility struggles, depressed. Maybe even more so. At least with infertility I didn’t get my hopes up and start buying little Thor things. Everybody seems to want to try and put some positive spin on it, but you know what? Stop it. Please. And all my lovely, internetty, baby waiting, gal pals seem so...upbeat. And I just feel like a fuckin’ toad. They’re getting on with their lives, talking about diapers and such, and I’m walking around with knots in my stomach. I don’t feel like I can talk about diapers or buy baby clothes, read books about China, or make a quilt. I feel like the rug’s been yanked out from under us and every “promise” has been taken away. How in the hell did I get here? Better do I get out?

I know, I know...I need to get over it. Who am I to bitch? At least I get to go to places like Croatia. Sometimes I just need to remember that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So I should just forget about this pesky little baby thing, and enjoy my most fortunate of lives.

So, that’s where I’ll be for a while. Enjoying my most fortunate of lives. Oh, and if anybody has heard any good rumors, like somebody multiplied when they should’ve divided and the whole 3-year thing was a silly mathematical error, please send them my way (and feel free to make something up!). If you send me good news, I’ll love you forever and think of you and your big, big heart while I’m sinking my toes into the sand.

Gawd. I’m sorry. This post started out so positive. As Floyd would say, I’m just a big crankaholic these days.



Blogger walternatives said...

You lucky, lucky DAWG! I've been wanting to see Dubrovnik (the old city) for years now. I want to go with you! Please take loads of photos; I'll drool over every single one. Enjoy it, hon', your "luckiest of lives."

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is nutty. I look at this adoption as a job. Not an emotional connection. I just know there are steps I have to complete to get the job done. I felt a deep connection to our child at the start of the process. Now, it feels like this thing we are buying at Walmart (not that I want anyone to think I shop there). I don't like the change. I wish I felt better about it. I can speak abstractly about things, but it is rare that I refer to this kid as "our daughter." Not yet, not now.

11:04 PM  
Blogger steph said...

F China! F adoption! F rumors and speculations! F infertility! Then have an effing good time in Croatia! You effin travel whore, you.
your effin SIL - Steph

12:54 AM  
Blogger FDChief said...

Y'know what. I think you ought to find some really cheap breakable stuff and break it. Throw it on the floor or against the wall and just smash the living shit out of it.

Cause this China thing DOES suck. IT sucks huge. It sucks the enormous, red-veined, purple-headed moose cock of Death. And I'd be depressed, too, IF I WASN'T SO FUCKIN' PISSED OFF!!!!


Bitch away, my dear friend. It's all we can do.

Mojo and I still love you guys, though. Even if it DOES suck...

4:33 AM  
Blogger wzgirl said...

The diaper-talk, the quilting, the upbeat-ness is my feeble attempt at staying positive. I know that it is semi-delusional & last night I had a bit of a meltdown. I guess that I'm just trying to keep a balance. A few days of up - and then, well, you know...

I'm with Steph. F it all. Then go to Croatia. F'in cool. All I have to look forward to travel-wise is a trip to PA to see the inlaws. So not a vacation.

6:08 AM  
Blogger atomic mama said...

I got nothin' for ya, hon, 'cept to say I'm on the same page with you and Croatia. Have a relaxing blast, contradictory as that may sound. Haven't made it there yet, but I'd go in a heartbeat. One of my fave professors was Croatian. Taught me - among other things - that "zima" is Croatian for cold. Hope the water's not zima! Soak it up!

7:34 AM  
Blogger Jessi said...

I've still barely bought anything and her room isn't finished yet either.

The only thing I could do to make it though was to ignore her. I know that sounds terrible, but otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take it. That's not to say that I never thought of her or that I haven't prepared myself for all the different possibilities inherent to IA. I did. I just had to think of her in my mind's eye. This fleeting, distant picture that made me smile, but that I couldn't dwell on because I would have been devastated on a daily basis.

All this has flown out the window now that we are getting closer and closer. I'm obsessed with her, really.

The wait is hard. The not knowing when it's all going to end is even worse. I hope you can find a way to get though it.

Croatia sounds amazing. I hope you guys have a great time!

1:22 PM  
Blogger Mary & Jacek said...

I heard Croatia is beautiful - can't wait to so some photos from your trip! Have a great trip!

...and ditto what Nicole said.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Croatia is the new "it" spot. Can't wait to see pictures! - Stephanie @

2:01 PM  
Anonymous SBird said...

I'm not feeling lovely at all. I effing hate this new wait. HATE THIS.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Croatia and the Dalmatian coast is apparently fabulous. I hope you have a wonderful time away!

9:37 PM  
Blogger Avery's Mom & Dad said...

OMG, we are dying to go to Croatia. My husband told me that he was wanting to go there, and I did the whole "why would we want to go there?" schpeel. Then we watched a whole thing on travel channel about it, and now can't wait to go. Looking forward to hearing about your trip-do take photos that you can share with us(no nakey pics to post)
Don't feel like a toad-well actually don't feel alone in your toadness. I feel like a toad too, and this all just feels like pie in the sky. I don't buy anything for our imaginary daughter at this point. Just too far in the future. Have a blast on your trip-can't wait to hear the report of your vacation away from IA, and RQ. We are counting on you-have fun for all of us:) B/C we all feeling like Sybil; one day up, one day down.

2:38 AM  
Blogger Katie J said...

Steph sure knows how to say it. I can't wait to see pics of Croatia. And 3 years? There's no F'in way!

3:40 AM  
Blogger Doris & Ez said...

Just got back from my b-day dinner. When they brought my (not)complimentary b-day dessert, I had "a moment" when I made my b-day wish - for two babies in our family. Good thoughts going out to both you and Steph. .

5:56 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

Happy Birthday!!!

10:58 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Anyway...hope this finds you doing better! Miss you guys!!!

10:59 PM  
Blogger steph said...

Happy birthday! If you're like me, it's a secondary moment. Yep. Just another year gone by. I suggest in the next couple of years, after we both get what we're wishing for, we have one hell of a party to make up for all of these 'lost' birthdays. A party in which we can wish and ask for things people can actually get us!! I have found the last couple of years no matter how hard I try, no one takes the hint to go pick me up a beautiful embryo at Wal-Mart, much less sticking it in my belly. What kind of friends are these? Jeez???
Hope you're having a good time in Croatiaaaaaaaaaaaa~

4:57 PM  
Anonymous stephanie said...

Wow! Just found your blog and may be living somewhat parallel lives... I am American and living in Ireland waiting to adopt from Vietnam. Drop me a line at dizzyddogg @ yahoo dot com if you want to compare experiences, or meet for a coffee/pint in Dublin! (and check out my blog about my time volunteering in Vietnam

Sorry this is unrelated to Croatia, but that sounds fab. We recently went to Latvia for holidays and got the same sort of bemused responses...

2:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Croatian... and i KNOW you will love it, if you already havent discovered it yourself! make sure if you go to split, check out the architecture look up in the tiny streets! its amazing what youll see, oh the riva pjaca, dubrovnik, makarska, the islands, vis bisevo the blue cave,,,,, thers so much the plitvice national park lakes.... i can go on and onm the theatre in pula just like the one in itlay. Deocletians palace, Ancient city of salona man i can go on and on... enjoy! glad to hear your excited for Croatia! ana.

1:28 PM  

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