Baby? What Baby?

When you look around our house you’d have to be very perceptive to see evidence that a baby is going to come into our lives within the next year or so (heavy on the “or so”). I see the red folder sitting in the corner that holds all of our dossier material. That red folder was a very big part of my life for a few months there...and now, I can honestly say I haven’t looked at it in quite some time. There’s a few scattered books on Chinese history, a Chinese travel guide, some borrowed Chinese language tapes, and a couple of popular books on Chinese culture/lifestyles, etc...just enough to make someone think that we might be considering a trip to China at some point. There are a few books on international adoption, Chinese adoption and attachment issues, one of which I even keep on my bedside table, but a perceptive person would see the dust collecting on it. There’s no nursery, no baby clothes, no “What to Expect, The Toddler Years” or any other books on how to take care of a baby...nothing, nada, zip. It’s weird, and I’m pretty sure it means I’m going to be a terrible mother.

We spent the last two years totally focused on having a baby. I threw myself into the chase, not to the extent that some gals have, but it consumed me nonetheless. Then, when we decided to just adopt my days continued to be consumed by the chase, but this time it was the paper chase (I loved that show!). So, now, our dossier is sitting in China, I’ve got the books (and, yes, I’ve read some of them, thankyouverymuch) and...and...and, now what?

You see, we can’t decorate a nursery because we’re not “at home”, meaning we don’t live where we will be living when we bring Thor home (at least not by current predictions). Besides, I don’t even think I could bring myself to buy things like changing pads (despite sporting fabrics that I would design an entire room around) at this point, because I’m still only marginally convinced that we’re going to have a little Thor at the end of all this (but that sounds like another post to me). And I guess this is why I can’t even bring myself to buy the baby clothes that I’ve been drooling over for years now. WHY IS THAT?? (oh my, that would certainly qualify as a whine....yep, definitely a different post).

So, what’s this stage called? Adoption-limbo? Adoption oblivion? Sometimes it feels like that, but in some ways it feels like adoption nirvana (see, I am going to be a terrible mother). I mean, we’ve done our work, we’re (supposedly) going to have a little Thor come into our lives in the not-so-distant future (it’s all a matter of perspective), and now all we have to do is....wait? Hell, I can do that...on some days (nirvana days). On other days (the limbo/oblivion days) I scurry about, going to the waiting children sites, learning about different “special needs”, investigating adoption from other countries, scurry, scurry, scurry...because that’s what I’m used to doing. You can’t just SIT BACK and expect your baby to come to you???? You gotta go out there and GIT IT! scurry, scurry, scurry...

But then on other days, like today, I can just wait. I think it’s called faith. I don’t have much experience with it, but I think this is what faith feels like. It’s kind of like knowing you’ve done what you need to do and that somebody else is going to fulfill their part of the bargain. Faith is a nice, peaceful place....it’s where the bluebirds of happiness* hang out.

So, with a little bit of faith, and a little bit of patience, maybe I can enjoy this next year (or so) of our lives. A little bit of travel (have I told you we’ve added Turkey to the list?) and maybe even a little bit of shopping for Thor (I’ll need a little more of that faith stuff first). Yea, that sounds nice. OR...maybe I’ll get my panties in a bunch and convince Floyd that we gotta go to Kazakhstan RIGHT NOW to git Thor. Maybe I should go get a Kazakhstan travel guide just in case....

*Bluebird of Happiness courtesy of Morgan Gleave (morgangleave.co.uk)