Wanting
Have you ever wanted something so bad that your whole body aches with the wanting? So bad that you feel compelled to lie on your back in the middle of a wet meadow and pray to the heavens for it? So bad that you’re washing the dishes and you just have to bend down and sob?
You ever felt that way?
And you feel like it’s in your control. There’s so much that you can do to make this one thing happen. And yet...there’s nothing.
Somebody told me recently that it was “in God’s hands now”. What if I don’t want it to be in God’s hands. Who’s this God and how did it get into his hands? Besides, that implies, once again, that we have nothing to do with it. Yet we have everything to do with it.
At least we think we do.
I certainly hope we do.
We have given everything we can. We have written down our hearts and we have double-checked the spelling and grammar. We have talked up the good stuff and we were honest about the bad stuff. I bled all over those pages. Trying with everything inside of me to splay our insides out.
Isn’t it funny to think that our words, just words, could be the keepers of our future. Who will read these words? What can we do to compel them to read them? I mean to REALLY read them. Nothing. But I try humor, honesty, appropriately placed exclamation points. Can I make them cry? Goodness no...they’ve read this all before. They’ve seen a million of us and they’ll see a million more. What can I write to make them see us as different? To make them see us as “the ones”, “the best”. The power and the futility of words.
Sometimes I think that if I can’t make this thing happen, this one thing, that I will never write again. I know this isn’t true, but it brings into question the worth of it. This writing. If you can’t persuade people with it, or bring to you "that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life"...then why do it?
Drama, I know. But that’s what this desire thing has done to me. It’s driven me to drama. Overacted, bad drama.
And, man, you think this is bad. Just you wait. If I have to write about how we didn’t get “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life”, it’s gonna get mighty dramatic around here.
So, please pray with me (to whomever or whatever) that we get “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life”. If for no other reason than to spare the world another bad, drama blog.
I’m feeling very very protective of “that thing”. I’m afraid to put it out there. Maybe I’m feeling like I need to keep it close to my chest. Mine. My heart, my desire, my everything. Or maybe I’m feeling like I don’t want to lose “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your entire life” in front of all of you. I don’t know what it is, but I’m scared to put it out there. My intentions are real. Let’s get that clear. My intentions are very real and I have put them out there...just not here. I’m not sure what this is. I think this is a main dish of “rambling” with a side of “cry for help”. Dig in.
The clock ticks. It’s time for me to go back and make some more changes to the words that control our future. Another tweak here, an exclamation point there. Maybe if we soften this phrase? Is this word to haughty? Oh fer fecks sake...
Thankfully, the deadline is approaching and I won’t have anymore opportunities to make changes. Is that when it’s in God’s hands? I don’t know about that, but that’s certainly when it’s in a bunch of strangers’ hands. Skimming, analyzing, looking for key words (should I have bolded key phrases?). Will they get my humor? Jaysus...nobody gets my humor! What was I thinking? But they will see the exclamation points (!). Yes...maybe that’s the secret weapon. The exclamation point. The cheerleader of my soul.
And maybe the next time I write I’ll get to tell you all about “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your entire life”. I really really really really....hope so.
So if you’ve made it this far, and if your name is God, or even if your name isn’t God, light a candle for us. Then these words will have done some good. Thanks. (!)
You ever felt that way?
And you feel like it’s in your control. There’s so much that you can do to make this one thing happen. And yet...there’s nothing.
Somebody told me recently that it was “in God’s hands now”. What if I don’t want it to be in God’s hands. Who’s this God and how did it get into his hands? Besides, that implies, once again, that we have nothing to do with it. Yet we have everything to do with it.
At least we think we do.
I certainly hope we do.
We have given everything we can. We have written down our hearts and we have double-checked the spelling and grammar. We have talked up the good stuff and we were honest about the bad stuff. I bled all over those pages. Trying with everything inside of me to splay our insides out.
Isn’t it funny to think that our words, just words, could be the keepers of our future. Who will read these words? What can we do to compel them to read them? I mean to REALLY read them. Nothing. But I try humor, honesty, appropriately placed exclamation points. Can I make them cry? Goodness no...they’ve read this all before. They’ve seen a million of us and they’ll see a million more. What can I write to make them see us as different? To make them see us as “the ones”, “the best”. The power and the futility of words.
Sometimes I think that if I can’t make this thing happen, this one thing, that I will never write again. I know this isn’t true, but it brings into question the worth of it. This writing. If you can’t persuade people with it, or bring to you "that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life"...then why do it?
Drama, I know. But that’s what this desire thing has done to me. It’s driven me to drama. Overacted, bad drama.
And, man, you think this is bad. Just you wait. If I have to write about how we didn’t get “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life”, it’s gonna get mighty dramatic around here.
So, please pray with me (to whomever or whatever) that we get “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your whole entire life”. If for no other reason than to spare the world another bad, drama blog.
I’m feeling very very protective of “that thing”. I’m afraid to put it out there. Maybe I’m feeling like I need to keep it close to my chest. Mine. My heart, my desire, my everything. Or maybe I’m feeling like I don’t want to lose “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your entire life” in front of all of you. I don’t know what it is, but I’m scared to put it out there. My intentions are real. Let’s get that clear. My intentions are very real and I have put them out there...just not here. I’m not sure what this is. I think this is a main dish of “rambling” with a side of “cry for help”. Dig in.
The clock ticks. It’s time for me to go back and make some more changes to the words that control our future. Another tweak here, an exclamation point there. Maybe if we soften this phrase? Is this word to haughty? Oh fer fecks sake...
Thankfully, the deadline is approaching and I won’t have anymore opportunities to make changes. Is that when it’s in God’s hands? I don’t know about that, but that’s certainly when it’s in a bunch of strangers’ hands. Skimming, analyzing, looking for key words (should I have bolded key phrases?). Will they get my humor? Jaysus...nobody gets my humor! What was I thinking? But they will see the exclamation points (!). Yes...maybe that’s the secret weapon. The exclamation point. The cheerleader of my soul.
And maybe the next time I write I’ll get to tell you all about “that thing that you’ve wanted more than anything in your entire life”. I really really really really....hope so.
So if you’ve made it this far, and if your name is God, or even if your name isn’t God, light a candle for us. Then these words will have done some good. Thanks. (!)
posted by Millicent at 4:02 PM
16 Comments:
Done. I'm lighting a candle tonight. Pulling for you guys...
I'm on it. You've captured the "wanting" feeling very well.
Awesome! I will hope & light a candle for you.
Keep smilin!
A well-placed exclamation point CAN do wonders.
I'm thinking of you and hoping with all my might(!) that you get what you want.
Sending you vibes and mojo and lit candles and prayers. Sending it all with exclamation points.
I know all about the illusion of control. Random luck will play its role. So, do your best, step aside, and try to kill time until you know. I say the universe owes you one. A BIG one. I HAVE informed it. Collection due immediately. Mr. Universe, you are more than 90 days overdue. (Tell me, exactly when might we know if Universe has made good on its debt?)
Mojo wants to know.
You got it! I hope you get your heart's desire.
Your candles are burning bright, good woman. But they aren't on the table; they are in our hearts, where no wind can flicker the flames, where the brillant heartsongs of those that love you will keep them burning, brilliantly glowing for the universe to notice. You are in my prayers...
I just re-read your post. Wanted to inform and assure you that you are a skilled and heartfelt writer. If this thing flies based on the written word alone, you are home free. I hope the next posting starts with ".... and the Masses Rejoiced"
On pins and needles over here, and lighting a candle to St. Expedite tonight!
I can taste the wanting as I read your post. No drama, just real live longing and honesty. I so get it all! I will light a candle and say a little prayer of hope..... will cross my fingers and toes, too.
Let me be the first.
Yes. Yes. YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!! (circles the computer in an idiotic little sack dance of joy)
Congratulations.
May we all live to enjoy long and happy lives raising our children together.
That was great writing. NO wonder you the ONES!
Candle lit. Fingers Crossed- Tons of positive thoughts to the Universe.
I think I know what is happening, so I'm not only lighting the candle(s) on my table, but the one in my heart as well... and saying a special prayer to the One In Control. (Though both are right- we do have free will after all- and I think once you've done all you can, it's time to let it go and in essence, let God as the old saying goes).
Hope those exclamations bring you to what you most hope for... : o )
Just now read your blog. Looks like lots of folks were lighting candles for you - even if they weren't designer scented candles! And it worked - YAY!
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