Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Gettin' 'cited

I’ve been back in the States now for...I don’t know how long. Even after thinking about it, I can’t tell you if I’ve been here for two weeks, three weeks or four. I just don’t know. Coming home has been good in some ways. It brings me closer to Thor. I have been able to do things in honor of being a Mom. Things like shopping at Target and BabysRUs (or however you spell the blatant misspelling) and the baby section at Ikea. All monumental things when you’ve been living on a tiny island at the edge of civilization (literally and figuratively) for a couple of years. I’ve been making decisions for the house and planning a nursery and spending time with good friends. All the good stuff.

But being home has also been like smashing my face into a brick wall...really hard. I basically walked off the plane and into my office and I have been at the office almost the entire time. I come home (the rented, furnished apartment) to sleep. I work and work. I work so much I haven’t had the time to buy what we need for our trip to China or even think AT ALL about that beautiful little girl waiting for us over there. In response, I have cried and stressed and screamed, but I continued working. Because that’s what I do.

This past weekend I didn’t work because we had very very very special guests in town, of the Alternative sort (also known as the kind, generous and beautiful sort). And over the weekend I realized that I will disappoint people when I leave for China. I will leave work unfinished because I took too much onto my plate and was not realistic about what I could reasonably do in a such a short period of time. I let my needs, my family’s needs, fall to the side and I went to work with a pitbull’s grip. And then I was miserable. I was trying so hard. All the while knowing that, ultimately, I would be making no one happy. Most of all myself.

People ask me if I’m getting excited and I look at them, with my eyes sunken into their sockets (I’m not sleeping well either), and I explain that I haven’t had the time to be excited. I just haven’t had the clarity of mind or the space for that kind of happiness. And that makes me sad. Especially because I have no one else to blame.

So I’m coming out of it now. I’m taking ½ hour to blog this morning because I want to memorialize this time in my life. The time before Thor. The changes I’m considering...and making...as I make way for the little God of Thunder. I’m picking up my husband and my cat from the airport this evening and I will experience big joy. I AM feeling excited about that. I will then have 3 of the 4 puzzle pieces in one place, with only one wee one to go. That is very very exciting.

And then we go to China. We leave on Saturday morning, get there on Sunday PM and meet Thor on Monday AM. In less than one week we will be meeting our baby girl. Holding her in our arms. Touching her cheeks. Stroking her palms. Offering her Cheerios. Looking into those giant, almond eyes. We will finally experience that moment, and all those moments afterwards that we’ll call life. We will finally be really living it. In it. Not planning for it, or trying to convince others that we’re worthy of it. We’ll be living it. In our home. With our little girl. With our cat. With each other. All of the pieces in one place. FINALLY!!!

OK, now I’m getting excited.

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Anonymous Jessi said...

Dude! Less than one week?!! Where the hell have I been?

I'm so, so happy for you all... Yay!

4:24 PM  
Anonymous SBird said...

Congrats, Mama! You sound like you're just in the perfect state of mind....

7:54 PM  
Blogger Mary & Jacek said...

OMG! I can't believe it's so close! SO excited for you!

8:45 PM  
Blogger walternatives said...

My sister-friend, my heart sings with happiness, knowing that so very soon, you'll be reunited with Floyd and Jez! And then, as if you've swallowed sunshine, you both will be glowing - ON YOUR WAY, together and at last - to meet and hold and love your precious Thor. That is indeed "all the good stuff," overflowing. My heart sings with yours, Millicent. I feel so fortunate to be sharing your joy during this amazing time. Remember to stop, pause, breathe it all in - enjoy the bountiful feast that is feeding your soul... xoxo

9:33 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

In a week your lives will be completely different and I'm so excited for you. Can't wait to see the new family together

12:19 AM  
Blogger Avery's Mom & Dad said...

I am so excited for you, and I am glad that you have taken a moment to be aware of the time "before" Thor because in less than a week life will never be the same, and it will be hard to remember life "before" Thor as I am sure it will feel like there she was always there.
I can't wait to see you holding your girl, and wishing you a peaceful and safe trip, and know we will all be thinking of you while you are gone.
Countdown to Thor has started!!

12:37 AM  
Blogger FDChief said...

Is this where they play the Pointer Sisters song as the soundtrack for your life?

Get some, Jen. We're all with you: this is your moment. GET excited - you deserve it.

Go. Go, go, go, go...

1:00 PM  
Blogger kris said...

oh god here I am crying like a baby again... I can't describe my joy for you, but it is overwhelming!

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so thrilled that you posted, and cannot believe how close to Thor you are! And, selfishly, I have to ask..will you be blogging from China? After being spoiled by your amazing travel posts I always looked forward to seeing China (again) through your eyes.

Take care!

7:48 PM  
Blogger steph said...

Happy birthday to you!!!!!!!!
Is there any better present then this???
I think not!

Although, I do believe in a year or so, you'll be thinking a day at the spa, ALONE, would be a great present! That's when you know it has become life....
Can't wait to meet my neice!

11:25 PM  
Blogger atomic mama said...

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:40 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

WOW!!! I'm so excited! I can't wait to hear about your journey!!!

3:26 PM  
Blogger wzgirl said...

It is so excellent that you took the time to write this, Millicent. Important, special, intentional...the shift in your focus so very poignant.

As always, I appreciate your willingness to share your process here, with us. I also appreciate how much time you were able to spend with us this weekend - it wouldn't have been the same without you.

Much love to you, VirgoQueen! XO

6:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi Millicent,

I am guessing that you are just meeting little Thor now!! Hope that it is going well and that you will post an update!! Congartulations from Meadow (Ireland)

12:29 AM  
Blogger hausfrau said...

We will be there this weekend as well, and get our son (Nanchang) Monday, too... maybe we'll see you in Guangzhou?

6:34 PM  
Blogger FDChief said...

We miss you. Please say you'll blog some more? Pretty please? Pleeeeaaase?

I'm holding my breath until you do.

5:50 AM  
Blogger Beeb said...

By orders of the Fire Chief, I'm hereto demand your return. I'm looking forward to hearing about the family, the house, the return to the good "ol USA... all of it.

3:48 PM  

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